It’s the End Times

My goodness, these millennials are the worst creatures on the planet. Nothing they value actually matters. Everyday, I get in my car—a Prius, because it’s tax deductible—drive to LA Fitness for yoga, and am forced to endure twenty minutes of these horrendous millennials sitting on their mats, silently scrolling through their precious Twitter feeds before class begins! I can’t take the silence! They all just mind their own business, never wanting to discuss what was on “Fox and Friends” this morning. Instead, they just follow the BBC and this Al Jazeera guy. How can they just listlessly scroll through social media and not look up once to see where they are in real life? The interior designers of these yoga rooms intended them to be peaceful temples, not Instagram fodder. The people who built these rooms placed every bit of off-white linoleum and every dropped-ceiling tile with the utmost attention to detail. It’s honestly disrespectful to not absorb the fluorescent lighting reflecting off the matte succulents in the room as was intended.

And when they aren’t scrolling, they’re whining—ridiculously protesting, demanding absolutely outlandish things like for a single person to pay everyone’s healthcare! All they do is run around screaming about how “mental health is super important” but I know that they really just want the government to subsidize their own never-ending personal issues. News flash kids, sometimes fathers have to go work and can’t always give you all the attention you want. Why can’t you just marry a man twice your age and leave my tax dollars out of it? That’s how the world has been for centuries, and now these entitled beasts want to change everything.

These past few years have been so filled with cries to fix transgressions that I just wish I could hop in a time machine and go back to the 60’s. Now, that was a time to be alive! I don’t remember ever hearing about protests back then, everyone was happy and healthy and glad to be American. But now, everything is going to pieces and it’s all because these millennials are meddling with the status quo.

Don’t even get me started on what they’ve done to the economy. First, they don’t believe in taking out loans to buy a beautiful home to raise a family in, now what are they going to do? Not use credit cards to buy a brand new car? It only took me 35 years to finish paying off my house and I was still able send my children off to college with their own loans I helped them sign up for. If these wheatgrass-shot-taking monsters keep on this path, they will completely destroy our economic infrastructure! If they have such a problem with how things are run in this country, maybe they should march down to Wall Street with guns in tow demanding change. Instead they put up bronze statues no one asked for and sit on the sidewalk with their hands raised, fingers wiggling in the air, while a dirty, cargo-pants-wearing-megaphoned man spews leftist ideas that still, no one asked for.

All these self-righteous snowflakes live downtown, in their 300 sq. foot, high-rise studio apartments and complain about how rent is too high because of “gentrification” which only means the neighborhood gets a lot safer and nicer. None of them know how to drive, they just hop on the bus that is payed for with my tax dollars, as is everything they do! Or even worse, they ride bikes all over town, whining in City Hall to get special lanes for themselves that make it nearly impossible for me to turn into Whole Foods! If the bicycle is not a millennial invention then I don’t know what is. Pedaling along, sipping Kombucha. Kombucha?! That’s not English.

I’ve lived 64 years and I’ve never seen a group more violent, insincere and vicious than these ridiculous fair trade, responsibly grown, French-pressed-with-a-shot-of-steamed-organic-vanilla-almond- milk coffee-loving monsters. You know what one of them said to me yesterday on my way to the dispensary? He called me a hypocrite! Just because I love Jesus and I proudly show it on the bumper of my car does not mean I can’t enjoy pot. It’s not like they were the first generation to smoke it. And if it weren’t for the “old white men” they all complain about in governmental office, their beloved weed wouldn’t even be legal.

See, we are the real the progressives who cause change but it’s these young kids who reap all the glory—barely any of them go vote! I’m sick and tired of being seen as the group that ruined the future, I just don’t believe it. If it weren’t for this new generation, none of this turmoil seen on the news every day would be happening. The only saving grace I see in all of this is that none of them want to have kids. They just want to drink craft beer and watch Netflix instead of settling down, establishing real values that will carry on through the years instilling morals onto their children and their children’s children.

This article originally appeared in the print edition of our November 2017, issue.

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