Some guidance for the month by our editorial staff.
Aries: Maybe do some yoga? Some pilates if you’re into that, just don’t be disappointed when there’s no loser at the end of the class.
Taurus: If you check under your couch for change this month, you’re bound to find enough to maybe buy some crackers, maybe.
Gemini: Stop being two faced. Text back your friends and get out of bed to take a fuckin’ shower you hippie.
Cancer: Time to start acting financially responsible and open a 401k. We know you don’t make any money right now. Gotta save up to go to the grave though. Survive capitalism and stuff.
Leo: Stop hanging out with your significant other long enough to do the dishes. They’re starting to smell.
Virgo: Stop trying to clean the house at 3am to avoid your other responsibilities. CLEANING ISN’T THE ONLY ANSWER.
Libra: You will not be any more punk this month than you were last month, and we’re telling everybody.
Scorpio: Just keep doing what you’re doing, no need to make any dramatic changes.
Sagittarius: Stop trying to find your wanderlust. It’s wandered far, far away from you at this point and it’s time to face the music.
Capricorn: What’s a capricorn even? Something to do with a ram? Leave us alone. We’re trying to help Cancer set up a 401k.
Aquarius: Visit an aquarium this month?
Pisces: No one cares that everyone rejects you and you listen to Drake to cope with it.